being ungrateful

we cannot expect to have every single thing we want in this life.
seriously, I always feel aggrieved.

and I'm sure that I was ungrateful for many times
which was the worst thing
that it made me some kinds of idiot
that it made me feels like I should not live in this world
that it hurts so much

I had once thought to jump out of car while my father's driving
but it took me more than 15 minutes to recover all the insane cells in my brain
I cried, I cried a lot
I didn't give my best to my father
and I was aggrieved with what I'd done

that I was being ungrateful to my father's deed
and it was painful

yeah I know that being ungrateful is suck
the problem is deep inside my soul

love is not the only thing that becomes major heartache
but there are other things that I can't describe
inner conflicts, intrapersonal conflicts
that's what I've learnt from my situation
people see me laughing,
people see me talking endlessly
but obviously it's what people view on my face

I'm still hoping that I will surpass this test
a test from Allah
I don't know what it is for
but I think that Allah wants me to learn something
I should know who I am for real
what are the reasons for me being born
who I will be
how I will live my live
what should be done, and what shouldn't
to be, or not to be
and to make choices, to make decisions
those things can only be learnt by ourselves

this thought makes me think of my past lives
I was really idiot
I did not do anything wrong
but I wronged myself
I was very pessimistic

now that I'm already a grown up
I should cut this shits out
stop being ridiculous
stop being ungrateful
Allah knows what's best for me


footnote: I don't want to be an emoshit, yet I did!

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